Life Archive

It isn’t hard to find people who will tell you that you are going to hell. You’ll probably just assume they are mistaken rather than examine your own beliefs.

But odds are they are right. Baptists say Catholics are going to hell. Catholics aren’t sure. Jews won’t tell you that you are going to hell, but atheists might say that you have already been there and back. Muslims say all of the above are going to hell.

There is no majority opinion in this country on who is damned. The Christians have mixed views depending on denomination, and the denominations have mixed views depending on the sect, and the sects have mixed views depending on the church, and the church has mixed views depending on the individual. There is no consensus even within the one religion.

I have met Christians who don’t even believe that hell exists. That would put them more in the atheist and Jewish camps on this particular issue.

And the evidence, or lack thereof, is in their favor. There is absolutely no scientific, empirical evidence to establish the existence of a heaven, a hell, or a Batman.

This doesn’t mean that the hell deniers are correct. It just means that there is no way to know who is correct.

The opposing voices cannot all be right. So one is pressured to make a choice based on folklore, but most don’t even take the first step towards a decision. A vast majority of people just go with what they have been told from birth, and assume that they were fortunate enough to be born into the correct religion. That is not a choice, it’s an indoctrination. If a person is born into a family that only drives Hyundais, and instructs their children to only drive Hyundais, that person will likely decide that Hyundais are the only cars that are right for him. He will see other cars on the road, but he will never test drive one or consider trading in his Hyundai on one. He believes he just happened to be born into the seat of the ultimate automobile.

A Hyundai may actually be the perfect fit for that individual. But he cannot be certain until he shops around a little. Perhaps a ragtop Volkswagen Bug would liberate him. He might find his true self in the throaty V-8 of a Mustang. Maybe he is an asshole, and a Hummer would better fit his character. After he has tried out a few different vehicles, he can make an informed decision about Hyundai automobiles.

There is a wealth of religious philosophies to explore, many of which include nothing about a heaven or a hell.

Statistics suggest that you were not born into the only acceptable creed. Maybe God did decide to plant you in the correct one. But did he drop most other babies into the arms of the hellbound just to keep the population of heaven manageable?

There is no way to determine who is right. It all comes down to belief and faith. A lot of faithful believers think you are going to hell. Even more think I am going to hell. I’m okay with that. There is no evidence that they are right. There is also no evidence that they are wrong.

We must learn to live with some uncertainty. We must also learn to live with others. Until there is some real evidence to undeniably support any theology nobody will really know who is right. We haven’t found any such evidence thus far, and I’m skeptical that we will find it in the foreseeable future.

If uncertainty makes it difficult to push our own religious beliefs on others, then uncertainty is a good start. Perhaps if we can remove religion from the argument we can come up with some universal moral laws that we can all agree on, regardless of individual theism. Beyond acknowledging uncertainty, we must also recognize that we just may be going to hell. And there isn’t a damn thing that we can do about it.

It’s actually very liberating to accept this. Once this has been admitted, one is free to enjoy a few margaritas, study evolutionary biology, have sex with a consenting adult (or adults) in yoga positions, read Harry Potter, sleep in on Sundays, covet, draw cartoons of Muhammad, use foul language, question authority, masturbate, eat a BLT, watch South Park, try out one of those ribbed condoms, and whole bunch of other fun stuff.

Just don’t mess up anyone else’s pre-death experience. Even if there is no future state of rewards and punishments, harming others just makes you an asshole. No one in this life or the next likes an asshole.

All heaven and hell theories may be just a way to avoid the finality of death. People do not want to believe that their last breath, and the last breath of departed loved ones, is the end. The concept of an eternal soul is comforting.

People also like the idea of divine justice. Our world, for the most part, is not just. For example, Justin Timberlake has nailed Britney Spears (when she was still hot), Cameron Diaz, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel. I have not had sex with even one of these women, although I would argue that I am much more deserving. I would like to see justice served at some point.

Whether there is an afterlife or not is undetermined. But we do know, without question, that we are going to die.

If there is anything after that, then I guess I’ll see you in hell. Previous hells:

• First hell
• Second hell
• Third hell

Techonorati: hell, religion, christian, baptist, catholic, atheistislamjudaism

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Who is going to hell? Last week we heard from representatives of the two largest Christian denominations in the country. The United States is not exclusively Christian, but they do have 76 percent of the population. Their followers control every branch of government, the legal system, and most of the corporations. They pretty much have this country wrapped up. It leads one to wonder why countless Christians feel so threatened by a perceived “War on Christmas,” sound scientific theories taught in public schools, and Janet Jackson’s boob. You would think that after 400 years of controlling the country they would have dealt with their insecurities. But many of them are worried about those 50 million other people the 224 million Christians must live among. Leading that outnumbered pack are nearly 40 million citizens in the non-religious crowd. This group is a loose mix of atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, there are probably some Unitarians in there, and a bunch of people who just don’t give a fuck one way or the other. The only unifying principle within this segment is that they don’t want to play around with religion, organized or otherwise. Tracking down a qualified spokesperson for this group is exceedingly difficult, because they don’t have a qualified spokesperson. Each has a very individualistic perspective on all matters supernatural. An atheist seems like the most dramatic member of this unorganized assortment. While they, nor anyone else, is qualified to represent the whole diverse tribe, a non-believer would likely offer a valuable counterpoint to religion’s ideas of heaven and hell. I spoke to an atheist professor at the University of Memphis. He requested that I not use his name because, as he says, “I don’t need the harassment that has occasionally followed that.” His desire to remain anonymous is understandable. Atheists have gained some recognition recently with a list of books such as Sam Harris’ The End of Faith, Christopher Hitchens’ God is Not Great, and Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion camping out on the New York Times’ bestseller list. Some of this attention might be positive, but it has also stirred up a great deal of negative response. A 2006 University of Minnesota study found that atheists are the least trusted group in America. Acceptance for this population is moving forward very slowly. For convenience of communication, I shall refer to the atheist professor as Dr. X. He has earned his doctorate, so the title of Dr. is appropriate. And the X moniker is just coolly mysterious and badass. Unlike Jeff Jones, the Baptist Minister, and Father Stegman, the Catholic priest, Dr. X was not born into his current faith. In fact, he is the only person interviewed for this entire series who had altered his religion during his lifetime. Dr. X was raised in a Christian household and became familiar with the religion’s teachings of heaven and hell at an early age. A period of adolescent questioning became full-blown atheism that only grew with age and education. Dr. X does not believe a heaven or hell exists outside of the terrestrial mortal realm. He does not accept any supernatural destinations for a disembodied soul. He sees both only as conditions that many people will encounter within their lives, prior to death. “Both heaven and hell are here on earth. Most of us are likely to inhabit both of them at some point in our lives,” he said. Whatever heaven or hell people experience may only be a matter of perception rather than reality, and neither is eternal. One can go their whole life (and death) without spending a moment in hell, particularly in an industrialized western nation such as ours. One might also never find heaven. It all lies in the eye of the beholder and the circumstances of their particular situation. Jeff Jones and Father Stegman might be surprised to learn that they may have already been in hell. That probably wasn’t in their plan. And the rest of the population may have also spent some time there. If not, they still have an opportunity to find heaven and/or hell. Until death. Then the door closes. No more heaven, no more hell. One can decide for oneself if this is a generous theory or not. The Jewish concept is more clearly charitable. Jews, as a religious group, comprise 1.3 percent of the U.S. population. Despite fathering Chistianity, Judaism is greatly outnumbered by their offspring in this country. But Jews don’t actively proselytize like some of their more evangelical fellow citizens. This may be due to their belief that they don’t need to “save” anyone from eternal damnation. There simply is no eternal damnation in the Jewish teaching. Dr. David Patterson, an Orthodox Jew and professor of Judaic studies at the University of Memphis, describes the Jewish doctrine on the afterlife as “…a little murky.” This is likely due to the fact that the Jewish faith spends little breath on the afterlife. Dr. Patterson, a practicing Jew since birth, said, “I’ve never heard a sermon on the fate of your eternal soul.” That is not to say that there is no eternal soul. There absolutely is. And it is going to heaven. Regardless of baptism, bris, second birth, confirmation, or complete non-belief; the soul is destined for heaven. However, it may need to be laundered in Gehenna prior to entering heaven. This is where the doctrine gets a little murky. Gehenna has been translated as hell as well as a temporary stop of painful purification similar to the Catholic concept of purgatory. Dr. Patterson understands it as the latter. He is much more qualified to make that determination than I. In the end, all souls gain access to an Eden-like environment in the enlightened presence of God. Everyone gets in, regardless of creed or deed. With heaven a given, the Jewish faith is freed up to focus on improving life on the terrestrial plane. The latest movement within the faith, the 200-year old Reform sect, says little to nothing about the afterlife. Their faith is almost entirely dedicated to promoting good will among people, without the promise of rewards or threat of punishments. According to any sect of Judaism, Jeff Jones, Father Stegman, Dr. X, and every other citizen is bound for heaven. The true generosity of this perspective becomes apparent when one considers that the Pharaohs, Hitler, and those Hamas bastards are sharing Jewish space in heaven. That’s pretty damn gracious. And what about those Hamas bastards? Much attention has been paid to the Muslim religion in recent years. The bulk of this attention has been negative, but the more intelligent among us see value in learning about our current enemy. The more intelligent among us also understand that Muslims are not our enemy. But our enemies are Muslim. If you need me to explain that further, you are not the more intelligent among us. Islam definitely does recognize a heaven and hell. Both play prominent roles in the doctrine. The Islamic belief holds that once dead, souls enter something of a waiting area until Judgment Day. Those souls that are on their way to paradise will past time in a peaceful garden, while those anticipating hell are locked in a sort of prison. Imam Maleck of the Masjid al-Noor Mosque in Memphis represented his religion’s qualifications for entrance into heaven. He stated, “Only those called believers will enter into paradise.” Muslim is the word for believer. One becomes a believer by following the six pillars of Islam. The Islamic hell will be crowded with Americans. Only 1.5 million of our countrymen consider themselves Muslim. The rest will burn. Despite the torture (garments of fire and lashings with iron rods and such), hell would seem like a refuge from the Islamic terrorists. They are all believers, and therefore should never set foot in hell. Not true, according to Imam Maleck. Suicide bombers, Mohammed Atta, and anyone else who brings a premature end to their own lives will find themselves in the pit. Allah does not allow those who commit suicide into heaven, under any circumstances. He is also likely to require a damn good explanation from those that have taken the lives of others. All non-believers and a bunch of believers are going to hell. It is going to get packed very quickly. Fortunately, the Muslims have anticipated overcrowding and set up their underworld in a system of six Dante-ish levels. Which level each soul lands in is dependent on God’s judgment. But the Quran does reserve the lowest, and therefore most undesirable, level for hypocrites. That would be people like those Taliban fuckers who disrespect women in direct opposition to the Quran. The rest of us will be showered with water as hot as molten brass elsewhere. We will be sharing that shower with Jeff Jones, Father Stegman, Dr. X, Dr. Patterson, and at least 268 million other Americans. There it is. The oversimplified and irreverent story on the afterlife beliefs of 269.5 million people. Maybe you’ve got it all figured out. Maybe I made everything so crystal clear that you now find yourself absolutely enlightened. Or perhaps you had it all figured out before reading this series. For those still a bit confused, come back Wednesday for some guidance on what this all means for your life and afterlife. 1st hell. 2nd hell. Technorati: hellreligionchristianatheistislamjudaism

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The United States is a religious nation. This Southeast corner is particularly pious. Where the Bible Belt begins and ends is open to debate, but Tennessee inarguable falls within its borders. The religious influence here even reaches beyond the culture and into the Tennessee State Constitution.

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